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The Roonies Investigate
Exactly one month after Bad Day at Castlereagh - the Saint Patrick Affray - the RUNIs have carried out a re-enactment of this major crime and breach of 'national security' in order to help jostle the minds of the public. The Acting Chief Constable of the RUNIs has said they remain absolutely open-minded about the culprits and have ruled nothing in and nothing out.
The film of the re-enactment begins at the IRA's safest house in Ballymurphy (Pinewood Studios). Camera pans the living room. Taking up half a wall is a large poster with the full lyrics of 'Say Hello To The Provos' by Bap Kelly. On top of the TV, a H-Block harp. On the mantelpiece, a wooden clock (8.30 pm) in the shape of all-Ireland; a H-Block cross; and a bronze statue of Cuchulhain behind which has been kept since May 2001 a Gerry Adams election leaflet.
Three men trying are trying on different suits to the sound of an Irish Brigade CD. One of the men practises an English accent into a mobile phone.
"'How-Now-Brown-Cow. The-Rain-In-Spain-Stays-Mainly-On-The-Plain. Anyone-For-Tennis, Old-Boy.' Well Bob, if that doesn't sound like an MI5 accent, I don't know what does! Phone you later."
"Are we ready? Then, let's go!"
"…Wait. I almost forgot! Saoirse. Our mascot." One of the men embraces the house pet, a dog called Saoirse. (Subtitle comes up on screen, "Freedom"). Saoirse is an Irish wolfhound who ate soldiers before, and in-between, ceasefires.
The highly classified, secret IRA mission in breach of the Good Friday Agreement thus begins. At the front door the three men fight their way through two hundred cheering members of Ogra Sinn Fein, the leader of which, Paddy Og, shouts, "Go get them top security files on the touts, the home telephone numbers of their Special Branch handlers, and 'addresses of interest'!"
The three men wave clenched fists, climb into an unmarked, taxed car, with dastardly hidden number plates. They drive out of Ballymurphy and on to the Whiterock Road.
"The Whiterock Road in West Belfast, Gerry's constituency, is very quiet tonight," one of the men remarks.
"It is St Patrick's Night, after all, so everybody's drowning their shamrocks at all the IRA fund-raisers, preparing for a possible resumption of violence, but not before the general election in the Free State."
"Even the Falls Road, down which we are now driving, past the Sinn Fein offices and the mural of Bobby Sands, is quiet."
"And Divis Street, as we make our way towards Ladas Drive in East Belfast… By the way, did you remember the onion?"
"Yes, I have it here, with my pass."
The driver eats the onion.
Their car pulls up at the first RUNI checkpoint inside Castlereagh Barracks. The driver rolls down his window, breathes into the officer's face whose eyes instantly begin streaming with blinding tears. He shows the officer a bus pass.
"How-Now-Brown …"
"Phew! Yes, yes. Go ahead, go ahead!"
The car drives in and parks. The three alight.
Film of RUNI re-enactment dissolves into dream-sequence of three men in slow motion going through ill-lit corridors, too poorly-lit to see the closed-circuit television cameras and code-locked doors.
RUNI commentary: "After the three men made their way past the lone officer on the gate, they bluffed their way past the lone officer at reception, made their way to the third floor, knocked on the door of Room 220, overpowered the lone officer on duty there and spent thirty minutes going through files, before leaving by the back door.
"All our officers on duty that night, one month later, now clearly recall what the suspects look like and we are issuing an artist's impression, based on these descriptions. Should you recognise any of them please contact us at Castlereagh, there's always somebody alone at the end of the line would appreciate a friendly call with a bit of information."
RUNI sources on Friday told the BBC that detectives on the investigation are understood to be interested in a number of mobile phones and public telephone boxes which were being used in West Belfast in the period leading up to the 'break-in'. It is suspected that mobile phones have been in use for eight years in Adams' constituency, and coin boxes for even longer. Some of these phones have not been used since St Patrick's night, therefore the IRA carried out the raid on Castlereagh.
The Acting Chief Constable of RUNI wants his Special Branch files back right now and has promised to leave no home unturned in his search for their recovery even though the files are either in Donegal, or, they and the evidence they contain have been destroyed by British Intelligence - depending on where you drink and who you believe.
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© 2007 Irish Author and Journalist - Danny Morrison