Irish Author and Journalist - Danny Morrison

Opinion Poll Shock Horror!

An astonishing BBC opinion poll has shaken the political system in the North to its foundations. Among its findings is the worrying emergence of a sectarian trend showing that the majority of people are Protestants and Catholics. Other findings show that the leader of the Ulster Unionist Party, David Trimble, is the leader of the Ulster Unionist Party; that most people would prefer to be married to someone else, preferably of the opposite sex, and fifteen years younger than themselves.

There were, as expected in the circumstances, some contradictory results with 80% of Alliance voters preferring to see Dana lead the party into the next Assembly elections, if they're ever held. Another 80% of Alliance voters preferred Hilary Clinton, while a further 80% said they preferred their current leader, Lady Sylvia Hermon. The 80 Alliance voters were interviewed in all 18 Westminster constituencies and 26 district council areas by a relentless search team helped by tracker dogs and NIO photo fits. Some confusion arose when SDLP supporters were asked the same question. It was unclear whether the reference was to the prospective new leader of the SDLP or the Alliance Party. A stunning, convincing and overwhelming 95% of SDLP respondents proposed Alex 'Mr-Five-Per-Cent' Attwood as leader of the Alliance Party, and anybody from Derry as the new leader of the SDLP.

The poll was commissioned by the BBC Northern Ireland programme, 'Livers and Tripe', at a cost of two million pounds to licence payers and is the whole talk of the BBC. The poll - with a margin of error of plus or minus six counties - is, to fertile imaginations, fully representative of the province's adult population, comedians, sheep and small farmers in terms of age, gender, religion, and geography.

Here is a list of some of the questions and the respondents' answers:

If you voted in the referendum on the Good Friday Agreement, three years ago, how did you travel to the polling station, and if you had to vote again, how would you travel now?
THEN
Hitched 35%
Pram 34%
Limped 14%
Ship 10%
Via Post 7%
NOW
As the Invisible Man 55%
Parachute 10%
Tank 5%
Don't Know 30%

In whose hands is the Union safest?
Paul Daniels (60%); Arthur Scargill (20%); Dana (12%); George Bush (8%)

As a unionist voter under what circumstances would you prefer David Trimble to go back into government as first minister with Sinn Fein/IRA/GAA/FARC?
Garotted 50%
Castrated 50%

Who started the Troubles?
John Hume/IRA 100%
Sinn Fein/IRA 100%
Dana/IRA 100%
Eamonn McCann/IRA 100%
U2/IRA 100%
Pope John the Twenty Third/IRA 100%
Perry Como 100%
Victor McLaglen 100%
Brian Feeney 100%
Catriona Ruane 100%
Andersonstown News 100%

As a nationalist/republican voter do you support the cops, no ifs or buts?
SDLP
Not at home when polled, 97%
Informers 3%
SINN FEIN
100%

Government spokespersons have been excited by the very high levels of support for the unreformed RUC from Sinn Fein voters and say it proves that they are more in touch with the republican grassroots than Gerry Adams or Martin McGuinness. However, BBC analysts have cautioned against taking the poll literally. One explanation is that the RUC officers and soldiers polled in places like Crossmaglen were pretending to be Sinn Fein supporters or that Sinn Fein supporters were pulling the leg of pollsters and were half-cut. The BBC have pointed out that the poll is by no means scientific and is virtually useless as a guide of voting intentions or trends but makes a bloody good 'Livers and Tripe' programme on the eve of the Assembly being hung out to dry for another six weeks.

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