Irish Author and Journalist - Danny Morrison

As Good As Gold

In 1554 Pedro de Valdavia, a Captain of the Spanish Conquistadors, was captured by the fierce Mapuche Indians against whom he had fought. Knowing he'd come for gold, they voted to kill him by pouring the molten metal down his throat. Not too many Indians were Valdavia in a state to rape and kill after that extra-strong Lemsip. Not too many Our Fathers was he in a condition to recite.

Poor Valdavia was merely following in the footsteps of Francisco Pizarro who twenty years earlier had come to conquer the kingdom of the Incas, to destroy this ancient civilisation and loot its gold for Charles V of Spain and the Catholic Church, following Pope Alexander VI's decree which gave South America to Spain. Pizarro captured the Inca leader Atahualpa - who himself had been a ruthless king. Atahualpa bargained a roomful of gold and silver for his safe return to the throne and Pizarro agreed. He received the treasure but then decided to kill Atahualpa anyway and offered him a choice. He could be burned alive as a heathen or be strangled as a Christian. Atahualpa chose the latter. And so they baptised him Juan de Atahualpa, in honour of St John the Baptist, tied him to a stake and garrotted him. Then they gave him a full-scale Catholic funeral, incense, holy water, the lot.

And so you can understand why the Irish Catholic Bishops, in the spirit of Church tradition, have no problem with the young folk joining the Royal Ulster Conquistadors.

Only kiddin'. But aren't non sequiturs fun!

It's the PSNI they and the SDLP really want you to join.

I saw on the news last week that a company called Conroy Diamonds and Gold estimate from drillings that there is a profitable ten-mile gold belt stretching from Keady in South Armagh to Clontibret in County Monaghan which they are hoping to mine within three to five years. There are a couple of wee minor environmental assessments to be carried out, and a couple of wee farmers to be relocated, before each ton of open-cast ore will hopefully produce maybe 6 grammes of gold. Conroy Diamonds estimate that there is potential for a mineral resource of 3m tonnes of high grade gold. Now may I suggest that the company do a landfill deal with Lagan Holdings and dump these mined chunks of Armonaghan into the hole on Black Mountain? If orchards spring up we'll not object.

This mining business set me thinking about humankind's obsession with gold over this last 6,000 years: its use as an adornment initially for kings and queens, as a means of displaying wealth, a guarantor of currencies, as an industrial metal, and its part in the founding of government.

Bankers were originally goldsmiths who stored gold for other people and charged a fee for their services. Then they began to issue paper 'receipts' for the gold - which is where the idea for paper money came from. Of course, the bankers couldn't resist issuing more 'receipts' than they had gold to cover and one of the first things they did with this 'excess money' was to lend it to indigent monarchs and to early governments (usually to pay for wars) and this led to the formation of central banks.

Gold is fairly useless and yet it is worn as a signal of our status and identity. Gold rings are worn on the third finger of the left hand to show that we are not divorced; at the top, middle and bottom of extra large ears as camouflage; through the nose for those with a leash fetish; hanging from the lower lip for those who are trying to give up fags; as a stud in the tongue for those with little sense, as a stud in one's belly-button for those with a gangrene fetish and as a small but ingenious chastity belt elsewhere.

Golden imagery dominates our language and culture We have the golden handshake, sunset, slipper, jubilee, syrup, eagle, opportunity, egg, rule, age, boy; the gold fish, leaf, digger, fainne, dust, standard, finch, and disc. Golden Wonder, Golden Delicious, the Golden Gate, the Golden Cow, Golden Wedding, Golden Girls. And goldie oldies such as, 'Golden Brown' by the Stranglers, 'Gold' by Spandau Ballet, 'Fields of Gold' by Sting, 'Golden Slumbers' by The Beatles, 'Golden Years' by David Bowie, 'After the Goldrush' by Neil Young, and that old favourite of Tom Hartley, who was 57 this month, 'Honey, I Miss You' by Bobby - eh - Goldsboro. Then, there's Mr Goldfinger, Goldie Hawn, Goldilocks and the late Golda Meir.

And last, but not least, not forgetting Mr Golden Tonsils himself, Captain Pedro de Valdavia of the Royal Ulster Conquistadors!

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